Certainly
we need to act in the short term to curb this kind of violence. We
need to limit the use of guns, particularly assault rifles and other
weapons designed for killing people. We need mandatory background
checks with waiting periods for all people purchasing guns. We need
to treat gun violence as a health crisis while providing mental
health programs for those in need of them.
Still,
as I listen to the blaming and political posturing attendant to this
calamity, I have the uncomfortable feeling that such programs alone
are insufficient. I believe that I, and many other Americans, am
complicit in this violence. Our complicity lies in the fact that we
have failed to treat the addictive patterns that infect our society
and breed violence. The 'We' in “We the People” is largely
absent. We have little ability to identify with the distress of
others. Hence, our desire to alleviate this distress has been
deadened.
We
are isolated from one another, and isolation kills compassion.
Violence flourishes because we no longer look out for each other. We
respond only when we are directly threatened.
It is
easy to blame this lack of caring on the political and religious
divisiveness in our society. Liberals blame the NRA and
conservatives for the violence. Conservatives blame liberals whose
big government policies are threatening individual freedoms. It is
true that such divisiveness corrodes our unity. Yet, I feel there is
another dynamic at work; a dynamic that functions at an almost
unconscious level.
We
live in a society that promotes addiction.
We
are bombarded by messages telling us to strive for some sort of
societal
ideal. If I
exercise, I can look like the body builder in the TV commercial. If
I participate in a self improvement program, I can become the perfect
husband and parent. If I enroll in a particular educational
curriculum, I will be successful in my work. Even our religious
groups are caught in this dynamic. If I attend a particular faith
community, I will be saved from the problems that confront me.
This
addictive dynamic affects us all.
I
have come to realize that I am a work-o-holic. I'm addicted to
work. My drive to promote justice in Madison Urban Ministry (MUM)
had a compulsive dynamic. At one level, I worked through MUM because
I was concerned for those treated unjustly. At another level, I
worked to fix my low self image. I sought to earn the admiration of
men and the adoration of women through my work. My family suffered.
In fact my wife said that MUM was my mistress. My compulsion put my
health in jeopardy. I pushed myself, continually seeking another
fix, until my body gave out with chronic fatigue.
As
with all addictions, my fixes were short lived. The more I tried,
the more inadequate I felt. There was always another issue, another
conflict, another venue in which I sought affirmation. I tried to
hide my real self from others, posing as the super organizer in
control of every situation. Since I hadn't learned to accept my
limitations and inadequacies, I denied or criticized those parts of
myself that I consider flawed or undesirable. I wasn't able to “Fail
With Soul.” (See my last blog entry.) The more this pretending and
denying continued, the more isolated I became. I can now understand
why many community organizers are 'lone rangers.' In my isolation,
it was 'me against the world.'
Unlike
addictions to drugs, alcohol, sex and food, addiction to work (and
its attendant addictions to money, power and consumer goods) is
explicitly fostered in our culture. I thought I could be successful
through my compulsive attention to work. What I couldn't comprehend
was that success in my work couldn't fill that empty space in my
soul. That space yearned for self acceptance, not acceptance from
others.
You may not be addicted
according to the clinical definition of the word. But I'll bet you
are prone to engage in some patterns in your life in the hope that
these patterns will increase your sense of self worth. Perhaps your
exercise regimen has a compulsive edge. Maybe your diet
consciousness is a bit driven. Perhaps you depend on relationships
with family members to make you feel better about yourself. Maybe
you use leisure activities as a way of escaping from your own self
critical tendencies.
As you
consider these dynamics in your life that potentially isolate you
from others, be assured that I'm not condemning these dynamics in
themselves. Exercise, family time, delicious food and satisfying
work can be blessings that enhance life.
What I
am suggesting is that our cultural patterns promote addictions. That
is to say, our culture promises us satisfaction and wholeness if we
embrace certain conventions. This promise is bogus. Outward
patterns won't yield acceptance. This is an internal dynamic. If
you find yourself depending on a particular practice to give meaning
to your life, ask if this dynamic isolates you from the stranger and
deadens your compassion for those outside your immediate circle of
family and friends. This same dynamic may also isolate you from
yourself, particularly from those parts which you don't like very
much.
Twelve
step programs have proven helpful to folks who are strongly addicted.
I am suggesting that the twelve steps may also be helpful in
dealing with the addictive or compulsive tendencies in our lives,
even if we are not addicted in the clinical sense. Step one
challenges us to admit that we are not in control of our lives. In
this context, step one challenges us to admit that the addictive
patterns in the culture control us unconsciously. Steps two and
three, contend that there is a higher power that can be relied upon
for assistance. For some this
higher power is God, in the traditional sense. For others it may be
a support group or some other aspect of their lives. Abraham Lincoln
referred to this higher power as our “better angels1
.”
Steps four through ten
challenge us to acknowledge our
short comings and to take responsibility for actions that have harmed
ourselves and others. This is an opportunity to embrace our true
selves, warts and all. This is also an opportunity to bring to
consciousness the ways in which cultural attitudes and patterns are
affecting us. Steps
eleven and twelve, encourage us to continue and to engage others on
the journey.
This
then is my hope. If a committed number of us could embark on this
journey, it might be possible to transform the addictive patterns of
our society. Then perhaps, our children would have the opportunity
to grow up to be healthy and loving people.
This
will take courage. It takes courage to name and accept our own
shortcomings without turning to addictive patterns that we hope will
save us. It takes courage to name the shortcomings of our society
with love and acceptance rather than condemnation.
It takes courage to admit that we may need to rely on our “better
angels” to redeem our destructive cultural patterns.
It's
scary to embrace Adam Lanza and his mother with
compassion even as we embrace the
families of the twenty-six children and adults killed by Adam Lanza.
Living
with Soul is not a sentimental reality in some ideal world. Living
with Soul is a gritty possibility in our real world. In light of the
Newtown massacre it may literally be a matter of life and death.
1)
Better Angels – used in the closing paragraph of Lincoln's
First
Inaugural Address
3 comments:
I don't know about your premise, chuck. I do agree that cultural patterns promote addictions. there are about 40 programs listed in wikipedia which use the AA format and steps as the basis of their programs. there is a workaholics anonymous as well as clutterers anon., co-dependents anon., spenders and debtors anon., gamblers anon., overeaters anon., online gamers anon., sexaholics anon., underearners anon. and variations on these. there could be one for people who exercise compulsively too for that matter. and perhaps a good portion of our society could benefit from joining one of the groups listed above, and i agree that our society encourages people to indulge in these behaviors. but at what point can you call it an addiction. in aa they say, "the man takes the drink then the drink takes the man." when a person is addicted, they lose their choice about how they act. given certain stimuli, they will react in exactly the same way every time. they can't stop doing it without the help of their anon. group. so to call it an addiction is a stretch. and you do say, " You may not be addicted according to the clinical definition of the word." so maybe we agree, i think you used the word addiction for dramatic effect; and that's ok with me. i just wanted to clarify the term.
hi chuck, thanks for noticing the effectiveness of the steps from AA ,etc. people who join AA first have to quit drinking. that isn't easy but the group and the steps create an atmosphere where after 6 months or so the alcoholic loses the strong urge to drink.
But people continue to go to AA meetings for years after the urge to drink has left them. I'm in AA and a few weeks ago someone at a meeting got a medallion for having 43 years of continuous sobriety. Why does he go to AA meetings after all those years? Because alcohol was only part of the problem. The bigger part was that he didn't know how to accept life on life's terms. He didn't know how to live healthily. And AA has taught and continues to teach him how to do that. So he goes to meetings to be reminded of how the steps relate to a healthy lifestyle. and that is why the steps would benefit each and every person.
Religious societies and church give you commandments about what not to do and vague answers about what to do. But AA has a specific set of directions that if followed will guide someone toward a relationship with their higher power and help them rebuild and continue to have good relationships with their fellow human beings.
the limit for comments is 4000 words. and i could not fit my whole comment in under 4000 words so i am breaking it up. see next comment section for the conclusion of my thoughts.
To me the most important step is Three: Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.
It is a belief espoused by AA that our self-centeredness and our ego usually direct our actions. In other words we do things because we think they will increase our happiness or lessen our pain . That seems pretty reasonable, but the problem comes when you take that desire to the extreme. when we can't let go of a losing situation with equanimity, but have to keep trying to win; then our ego is creating problems. This kind of self-centeredness is the root of our pain and conflict with others. When we are ego-driven, we think that we know what is best for us and we try to manipulate people and situations in order to get our way. When we don't get our way, which is inevitable, we try harder, invest more of ourselves and use any means necessary to achieve our goal. And sometimes we succeed with that second effort. but sometimes we fail. and when we fail we become self-pitying of our circumstances, angry that we weren’t understood, or resentful of someone else’s good luck. Step 3 tells us that we must replace our extreme EGO with the acceptance that a power higher than ourselves is in charge. that doesn't mean we become passive. it means we do our best to achieve our goal, but we let go of the result. we stop playing God and trying to make the world fit our definition of what is good, and we accept life as it is. But we must give up our resentments and let go of our ego and let God guide us to do the next right thing.
The next right thing allows me to be authentic. Because my success is only measured by how aligned i am in god’s plan for me, not by what other people think of me, I am free to live up to my potential. Jesus is an incredible example of how this works. Jesus defied traditions and laws over and over again in his attempt to show us what it means to follow God’s will. He touched lepers. He allowed a prostitute to use expensive perfume while washing his feet with her hair, AND this happened while he was having dinner at a rich person’s house. As John Eldredge says, “ Jesus has a wild freedom, born out of a profound holiness.” We too can have that freedom when we embrace God’s will for us. By asking God to open me up to my potential and by following that path, I feel good about myself. I am more able to love myself. When we do God’s bidding by bringing beauty, justice, and righteousness to the world; we are able to use God’s power to achieve the mission. once again we formulate a plan based on our direction from god; but we leave the results of the mission in God’s hands. We don’t push or manipulate, we relax and allow the Good to come. We carry no resentments if our goal is not achieved. Because ultimately, the success or failure of our plan is not readily visible to us in the present. We must simply act in accordance with the path that we have been shown and know that in some way it is carrying out God's larger plan. We must hold on to this when it looks like our best efforts have resulted in failure.
The other steps offer practical advice for creating good relationships with god and with people. but to me the third step is most important. if everyone could embrace step 3 from AA, what a wonderful world it would be.
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