It's the Christmas season. The air is filled with joyful music. Stores overflow with gift displays. In the midst of all this merry making, I feel like the Grinch.
I don't have warm feelings toward everyone in this Holiday Season. Some people push my buttons. Every time I think of them, my blood boils. They have caused pain to me and my loved ones,
I shared these feelings with a friend recently. He listened patiently. Then he responded. “Twelve step programs recommend that you pray for each of these people, every day for eighty days.”
“Ugh.” I almost turned my back on him. His response echoed admonitions from my earlier days. “Don't get angry.” “JustTurn the other cheek.” “Jesus said we should love everyone, even our enemies. We are supposed to pray for them, not hate them.”i
Why would I show affection for a person who hurts someone I love? Why would I pray for them. This just enables evil and unjust behavior. It makes no sense.
Having said all of that, I did take my friend's advice. I made a list of ten people I couldn't stand. Some of them I knew personally. Others I knew only through news reports and social media. I've been praying for them for about a month now. I'm not trying to change them. I'm just blessing them. At first, this was a mechanical recitation. “Bless A. Bless B. Bless C. etc.” I did it honoring my friend's suggestion.
As I continue this practice, something is shifting. I'm not as consumed by blind rage and a desire for revenge. I'm noticing things that were not obvious earlier. My thinking is more nuanced, less black and white.
Even though their past and present actions are still wounding, I'm beginning to acknowledge that the persons who wronged me are not pure evil. That said, I'm still not able to forgive many of them. I am still wounded. I continue to insist that there be consequences for their actions. These emotions and demands come from a more grounded place, rather than the raging blood thirsty aspect of the wounded me.
There is a sense of detachment. In a strange sense, it is a humanizing place. I continue to insist on consequences for the hurtful actions of my enemies. I also appreciate the fact that they, like me, are complex individuals. They have many of the same wounds, deficits and potentials as I. In this realization lies the potential for some kind of reconciliation, even though I may never feel close to any of them.
I gained another insight in this practice. As I prayed for one of my enemies, I realized that he hadn't wronged me in any specific way. I just couldn't stand him. He was self aggrandizing and self promoting. Then the obvious dawned on me. He mirrored, my own unacknowledged negative characteristics.
I had a further insight. I am jealous of him. He is successful and well known in the community. I envy him. I don't feel I measure up to him. I am the one who has issues. I am putting myself down. I need to be more accepting of myself, weaknesses and all.
A month into this eighty day experiment of loving my enemies and praying for those who persecute me, I am discovering something else. My dominant feeling toward these people has shifted from red hot anger to sadness. My enemies are no longer one dimensional. They are more like me than I care to acknowledge. We are all caught in dynamics of uncertainty, anger and recrimination.
I'm beginning to appreciate a Buddhist teaching that emphasizes the importance developing compassion for all sentient beings. Compassion alone is not enough. Buddhism teaches that to be a truly balanced and complete individual, one must develop both wisdom and compassion. A quote from Buddanet states, “If you are compassionate or loving and have no wisdom, you end up being a good-hearted fool, a very kind person but with little or no understanding. Other systems of thought, like science, believe that wisdom can best be developed when all emotions, including compassion, are kept out of the way. The outcome of this is that science has tended to become preoccupied with results and has forgotten that science is to serve man(sic) not to control and dominate him. And because Buddhism is not dogmatic but based on experience, it has nothing to fear from science.” ii
Jesus taught a similar lesson when he said, “Behold, I send you out as sheep in the midst of wolves; so be wise as serpents and innocent as doves.” iii
Up to this point I have described my experiment in praying for enemies I know. I am also praying for people in the news whom I despise but don't know personally. Because I only know these people indirectly through internet searches, social media and news reports, it is even easier to stereotype them than those whom I know personally.
Given all of this, I am finding that my shift in attitude
toward them is the same as for people I know personally. This insight has profound implications for me as a social change advocate.
I have been taught to develop social change strategies as one would in a chess game. The goal is to out flank and disable the enemy to obtain my goals. Often my enemy is defined in terms of a single issue. My enemy becomes a one dimensional caricature. My response to this caricature is often an angry outburst. This profoundly limits my options, even when I discuss them in a rational manner.
This is what is happening with the political divisions in our country. One side proposes an action. The other side strips the proposal of all nuances and presents it in the most extreme, one dimensional terms. The first side responds in kind: We are off and running, reinforcing stereotypes and division. The difficult task of sorting through the many dimensions of the situation is short circuited. This dynamic is always destructive.
If you have every been involved in or observed a divorce proceeding, you have seen this dynamic laid bare. Both sides are trying to win. The lawyers for each side stretch and manipulate the truth. They site laws and legal precedents that will help them win the case. Issues of justice, compassion and wisdom are sacrificed in the process, much to the disadvantage of everyone, particularly the children.
Is it any wonder there is so much injustice, hatred and violence in our world? Disputes between countries and cultures are millions of times more complex than a disagreement between intimates. In these cases, there are no personal shared relationships or mutual stories. Stereotyping and scapegoating are the name of the game. Furthermore, there are no rules of law that are agreed to by the combatants. Violence and domination are the tools with which these differences are addressed.
During this holiday season, I urge each of you to accept the challenge my friend offered me. “Love your enemies, and pray for those who persecute you.” iv
Make a list of those folks you can't stand. Some of them you will know personally, and others you will know only through news reports and social media. Pledge to pray for each of these people for the next eighty days. Do this as an experiment. Note what happens to you personally and in your relations with your enemies.
I wonder what difference it would make if each of our faith communities, social action groups, and governmental agencies adopted this practice.
Perhaps the wisdom of our moral/spiritual leaders is more trustworthy than we had imagined. Perhaps there is a weird energy more powerful than that of domination and violence.
iMatthew 5:38-48
iihttps://www.buddhanet.net/e-learning/qanda07.htm
iiiMatthew 10:16
