Go With
Life i
Valentine’s
Day was tough. Three years ago our son was found dead in his
apartment. We don't know the exact date of his death. The cause was
abuse of alcohol combined with drugs prescribed for chronic health
issues. Valentines's day is no longer a time of hearts, flowers and
little Cupids. It is a time of love tinged with sadness.
It is
also a time of regret as I belatedly acknowledge that I wasn't the
nurturing father I could have been. What if I had been a better
parent? Would that have kept my son from dying?
I am
painfully aware of the many times that I put my job ahead of family.
I believed that I was “Called by God” to serve the poor and
oppressed. I still remember saying, “If I have to choose between
God and my family, I will choose God.” Only now do I realize that
my “Call from God” was not a message from beyond. It was
work-o-holism, an addictive compulsion to obtain love and acceptance
through personal achievement. This addiction spawned a host of other
addictive patterns destructive to me and my family.
What
can I do? I can't change the past. My son died. I am a
work-o-holic, recovering, but still a work-o-holic. It seems that
death is the victor.
Furthermore,
I'm aging.
I
recently dreamed that I was a student at a large university I had one
free semester to take elective courses. I chose courses in
philosophy, theology and psychology instead of math and physics. I
was considering a career transition. As I scheduled these courses,
the young registrar looked at me in amazement. She couldn't believe
that an old man was considering a career transition.
I
awoke from the dream sad and depressed. I am nearing the end of my
life. There are many things I will never explore or experience.
Death looms over me.
I
have been a social activist most of my life. When I survey the
divisiveness and violence in our world, I wonder, “What difference
did I make.” The shadow of death darkens every corner of my
existence.
This
is the kind of thinking that fueled my addictive work-o-holism. I
believed that I had to earn love and respect. I had to be successful
so people would love and respect me.
BUT
WAIT A MINUTE
My
pastorii
recently preached a sermon that helped me immensely. She walks with
a limp because she contracted polio when she was two years old. Her
mother placed her on the floor on a blanket so she could be with her
brother and sister as they played near her. One day she dragged
herself to the wall and tried to push herself up. Time and again she
pushed against that wall until finally, she was standing. She
doesn't remember this because she was too young. She didn't will
herself to stand because she was precognitive. Some Life-force had
surged through her little body, pushing her to rise.
Now
that I am more conscious, I see this Life-force surging all around
me. I notice a daisy pushing its way through a cracks in the
sidewalk. I see clouds of Monarch butterflies migrating thousands
of miles to a sanctuary where they reproduce. I remember the
documentary, “March of the Penguins,” that depicts the yearly
journey of Antarctic Emperor Penguins to their breeding grounds.
There they mate and take turns huddled together, enduring winter
blasts, balancing eggs on their feet holding them in the warm furry
embrace of their bodies until they hatch in the spring.
There
seems to be an innate dynamic in the cosmos that wills itself to life
even in the face of extinction.
Psychologist,
Carl Jung, observed similar patterns (archetypesiii)
in humans.
Certain images appear in
stories,
art, myths, religions and dreams across
different cultures and in different millennia We all have a deep
sense of “mother,” “battle,” “journey,” “lover,”
etc.
These images evoke powerful emotions when we experience them
personally as our
mothers, our
battles, our
journeys or our
lovers. They function like the psychic counterpart of instinct.
They resonate as true at a deep emotional level.
Two
of these patterns involve the Life-force that my pastor describe in
her personal story. These are the “death/rebirth” archetype and
the “birth from the virginal” archetype.
Through
the millennia and across cultures, humans have experienced the fact
that whenever something dies, a new potential for life (a new birth)
appears. Furthermore, humans have experienced the fact that in dark
times, new “out of the box” potentials arise. These are only
potentials however. They are like defenseless babies. They must be
actualized by humans who are willing to risk engaging them.
If I
am conscious of the function of these archetypal patterns, I can be
assured that every time I experience a death in my life, some new
thing is trying to be born. My challenge is to search for this new
birth and to nurture it. Similarly, when things are dark in my life,
I can be assured that many “outside the box” opportunities are
arising. Once again, I am challenged to seek these out and risk
acting on them.
Returning
to my personal story, I continue to experience sadness and regret
concerning the death of my son. Yet, I am also experiencing
opportunities for new beginnings. I can't undo my past behaviors,
but I can act on these present opportunities.
For
example, I am being given new opportunities to act as a caring
“parent.” I spend time with my grandson who loves and respects
me. Young men are asking my advice, much as they might from a
father.
My
wife and I are experiencing new possibilities in our relationship.
When we get caught in negative dynamics, we are now able to say to
one another, “Is this worth it? What if one of us dies tomorrow?”
This has changed our relationship. We are learning to cherish one
another during the time we have left.
Life
is emerging in me, even as I age; and my energy wanes.
This isn't a matter of increased willpower or resolve. As with my
pastor's story, Life just springs forth when I am open to it.
I
still regret that I was not available to my son when he was a child.
This may never change. Even so, I hear him urging me on. “Hey
Pops. You can do it. Go for it, man.”
When
I trust the dynamic of Life surging through the cosmos, I am less
likely to spend my energy nurturing hatred and anger, or in seeking
revenge. I can spend my energy looking for the new Life emerging
from death and for those vulnerable “out of the box” potentials
that are always present in times of darkness and despair.
Yes,
a Life-force surges through the cosmos, pushing us to reach for the
light. Death is not the end because death is always followed by
rebirth. The darkness of despair is never final. Tiny shoots appear
in the forest. Life springs forth regardless of the circumstances.
This
is the good news. When we engage the Life-force within us, death and
violence cannot prevail.
iI
hope to write my next reflection on how we can creatively engage
these dynamics personally and collectively.
iiI
want to thank Pastor Yoo-Yun Cho-Chang for insights that contributed
to this reflection.
iiihttps://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jungian_archetypes
