I remember my decision to
leave physics. I used to think I left because I wasn't capable.
This was a destructive childhood tape. (My
father died in an automobile accident when I was 4 years old. I was
told and expected to be the “man of the family” - a devastating
thing to hear; an expectation no little child could ever fulfill.)
The truth was, I had no energy for physics. It was tedious. I
wanted out. Coupled with this push there was also a pull. I yearned
to work with and for oppressed people. Both the push and the pull
were vague feelings. I was discontented and antsy. I asked God for
assurance. “Please show me some direction in this.” Nothing
happened.
Finally,
I decided I had to move into this scary transition. We had two
little children, and Jean was not then employed
outside the home. We were living on income from my post doctoral
fellowship at UW, Madison. Then I
received a call from John Mulholland, inviting me to attend his
seminar for people making radical career transitions. Fortified by
this training, I moved forward.
When the physics professor for
whom I worked discovered my intentions, he decided not to renew my
fellowship. Our
savings would support us for two months.
In
spite of those potential stumbling blocks,
I was energized. Secure in an idealistic belief or plain
foolhardiness, I continued on. Just before my fellowship expired, a
friend at the university employed me part time for three months. He
said, “I'm not going to let you starve.”
For
nearly two years, I interviewed four people a week in Madison,
Milwaukee and Chicago. It was an incredible experience. I met
dynamic folk and developed a network of contacts. I gained a new
self-confidence and a clearer idea of what I was trying to
accomplish.
I
called this an existential leap of faith but didn't even know
what that meant. I see now that faith is not a matter of belief but
a matter of trust, tempered by a good dose of inspiration and
determination. Finally, I was offered a job as the first full-time
director of the newly founded Madison Urban Ministry (MUM). I had
found a path consistent with my deepest self, and I began a career
that was energizing and fulfilling.
I wish I could say that we
lived happily ever after, but this was not the case. After
twenty-five years, I burned out with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome,
resigned from MUM and went on disability. After a time of
convalescence, I embarked on another “career transition.” I
became a volunteer Spiritual Guide and seminar leader at Holy Wisdom
Monastery. This time there was no well defined “God” to whom I
could pray. My God, who previously had evolved from a strict Father
figure to a Friend, evaporated into a cloud of unknowing. Then, as
now, there is only the yearning that impels me forward.
Being in touch with God or
“in the Flow,” doesn't guarantee happiness or satisfaction. The
stories of our faith traditions make this abundantly clear. Moses
encountered Yahweh in the burning bush.2 He and the
people of Israel met obstacle after obstacle in the Exodus.
Buddha
meditated under the Bohdi tree3
and was tempted by demon
images of his past. Evil Spirits brought nightmares.
Jesus was
driven by the Spirit into the desert after his baptism epiphany.
There he questioned the deepest convictions in his Jewish Psyche.4
Many times he was
confronted by frustrations and uncertainties. When he prayed in
Gethsemane5
near the time of his execution I imagine he feared that his whole
ministry would end in failure. More
poignant yet, he cried in anguish from the cross, “My God, my God,
why have you forsaken me.”6
Mohammad
thought he was going insane after his revelation from Allah in the
cave.7 He was so
distraught that he considered suicide. Yet he followed his vision,
struggling to unify the squabbling tribes in the Arabian Peninsula.
Dr. King
endured trial after trial in the civil rights struggle. He was
promoting the failed “Poor Peoples' March” when he was gunned
down by an assassin.8
Mother Teresa
was tormented by doubts about her faith and the existence of God.
During the last half of her life, she told others she felt like a
hypocrite.9
If
following the yearnings of our deepest selves results in challenges
such as these, why shouldn't we just “go with the crowd?” Why
not try to fit in and win the game by the rules of the dominant
culture? Why on earth would Jesus say, “Whoever tries to keep his
life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve it?”10
Is there something more important than “making it?” For me, the
answer is, “Yes.” If my life has no meaning - if I justify my
existence by how I'm perceived by others - if I spend my life just
'putting in my time,' I'm existing in a kind of living death.”
I
had a friend, Henry,11
who was gay. He was remarkably talented, but continued to search for
the right job or the right partner. He told me once that he and his
LGBT friends felt like outcasts, particularly when religious people
condemned them. Henry left town, and I lost track of him. Several
years later, I asked a friend about him. “Henry died.”
I asked, “How?”
The friend responded, “Henry was diabetic; and he didn't take care
of himself. He stopped taking his medication and ate foods that
weren't good for him.” Then he added, “I met Henry's partner at
the funeral. He was heartbroken.”
I
imagine that Henry found his life intolerable. The negative opinions
of others became his self-definition. He felt unworthy and
undesirable as a person. His 'living death' became an actual death.
What a waste. Henry had so much promise. The prejudice he
experienced prevented him from engaging his authentic self.
Life
is difficult. It is
filled
with challenges. Some feel downright evil. It's my experience that
God, using traditional language, doesn't save me from challenges.
Living in tune with my authentic self may even complicate my life.
The journey, then, is not about preserving biological existence.
It's about a deeper dimension of living. It's
about engaging the energy that animates creation.
It's
about Living with a capital “L.” It's about living with Soul.
- See I Gotta Be Me - Part I
- Moses and the burning bush reference Exodus 3:1-15
- See the story of Buddha's enlightenment <http://www.waupun.k12.wi.us/Policy/other/dickhut/religions/50%20Story%20of%20Buddha.htm>
- See Mark 1:12-13 (Matt. 4:1-11; Luke 1-13)
- See Matthew 26:36-56 (Mark 14:32-42; Luke 22:40-46)
- See Mark 15:34 Matthew 27:46
- See Luke 17:33 New English Translation
- Not his real name
