Woburn, MA has been our home
for nearly two years. When we moved, I told my friends we were
starting a new chapter in our lives. Only now, am I beginning to
appreciate the implications of that statement. We are closer to our
grandchild, his parents and our son; and that is wonderful. Yet I
continue to feel out of place and alone.
My dreams reinforce this
fact. In one, I'm at a party. People are playing a gambling game
that I don't understand. I 'm afraid I'll lose a lot of money. In
another, I'm at our church in Madison, but no one acknowledges me.
In a third, I'm teaching a college class, but the students ignore me.
I know that others also feel
alone. I hear their cries on Facebook. “I got up this morning.”
“I'm brushing my teeth.” “I'm having coffee at Starbucks on
Main Street.” “Listen to me! I'm here! Pay attention!”
We
hustle and bustle, filling our lives with activities. We justify our
existence by what we do and how we are perceived. We strive to be
recognized, wanting to leave a legacy. Do my family and friends see
me as a good parent, grandparent, athlete, fun person? Will my
former colleagues remember me when I have changed jobs or retired?
Do people respect me? It goes on and on.
I'm
beginning to realize that none of this really matters. My life is
mine to live. I can't live it for or through others. Worse yet, I
don't want to just fill my time with activities, rushing through life
without really living it. How can I be my authentic self. How do I
engage this deeper part of me?
Pete
Seeger just died. He was one of my heroes. He was his own person.
He sang for the labor movement in the 1940s and 1950s, for
civil rights marches and anti-Vietnam War rallies in the 1960s, and
for environmental and antiwar causes in the 1970s and beyond. “We
Shall Overcome,” which Mr. Seeger adapted from old spirituals,
became a civil rights anthem. He was called a communist and
unAmerican. Yet he persevered into his nineties. Through the
years, Mr. Seeger remained determinedly optimistic. “The key to the
future of the world,” he said in 1994, “is finding the optimistic
stories and letting them be known.”1
Pete Seeger is only one of a
multitude of people who lived out their personal destinies. We each
have our list of such people. Mine includes the names and quotes
below:
- “If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.” -- Mother Teresa2
- “The God of the Hebrews says, 'Release my people that they may serve me!'” – Moses3
- “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” –- Lao Tzu4
- “It's never to late to be what you might have been.” – George Elliot4
- “If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it; but if you let that life go, you get life on God's terms” – Jesus5
- “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, 'I'm possible!'” – Audrey Hepburn4
- “To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire4
- “The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” – Buddha7
- “I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.” – Oprah Winfrey4
- “Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.” – Farrah Gray4
- Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.6
- “We cannot live in a world that is interpreted for us by others. An interpreted world is not a hope. Part of the terror is to take back our own listening. To use our own voice. To see our own light. - Hildegard von Bingen8
When
I consider the people whom I know and admire, I am aware of a dynamic
in myself that we all share. I put these people on pedestals. I
say, “I can't live like that.” In doing this, I hamper the
growth of my authentic self. Worse
yet, I tend to dogmatize the teachings of those whom I admire.
Rather than developing patterns and world views that work best in my
life, I bind myself with their set of rules and beliefs. What worked
for them, may not work for me. Rather than engaging life a moment at
a time, with all the risk that entails, I strive for security. I live
as if life were a static thing with right and wrong ways of engaging
it. When I live this way, I am tempted to criticize those who do not
live by my rules. This dynamic is at the heart of much of the
religious and political polarization in our world.
My grandson, Little Gus, wants to
copy my patterns or rules of living. He wears his hat outside
because I wear mine. When I watch football at his house, he places
another chair beside mine so we can both sit in “big boy” chairs.
He's fascinated by what I drink at the coffee shop. He peers into
my mug to see if I still have coffee. He wants me to hold him at the
counter so he can order and pay with my credit card. When I ask him
what he wants, he tells Peter, “Boobry muh-hin.” Then I ask him
what grandpa wants, and he says, “Coffee.” I'm honored and
embarrassed that I am held in such high regard.
Yet I know I'm also affected by the rules and patterns
of others. When I was young, I wanted to be a good Christian so I
could go to heaven. I tried mightily to obey the moral rules of my
community because I was scared that I had unknowingly committed the
unforgivable sin3 and would go to hell.
I continued this pattern in grad school. I was so
concerned about earning my degree that I focused only on getting
passing grades. I wasn't able to enjoy the excitement of exploring
the creation. This is probably why I left physics. Physics for me
was just a task. There was no excitement or life in it.
Only when I changed careers and began working on social
justice issues did I come alive. I was no longer driven by fear of
failure or judgment. I took risks. Life became an adventure. I was
finally living my
life. Now I can I read about the latest discoveries in
physics with curiosity, wonder and awe.
How does one engage life with excitement and
anticipation rather than fear or boredom? For some, it comes in a
flash of inspiration. For others, it develops slowly. But in almost
all cases, it begins with a deep concern or restlessness.
- Mother Teresa was serving as a nun in Calcutta, and was gripped by the poverty all around her. She was traveling on a train when she recounts, "I was to leave the convent and work with the poor, living among them. It was an order. I knew where I belonged but I did not know how to get there."9
- Siddharta Gautama, a prince, was raised in opulence when he became aware of all the suffering in his kingdom. He left his family and became a monk, nearly starving himself. When meditating under a Bodhi tree he “awakened” and became Buddha, the enlightened one, at which time he embarked on a ministry to lead others to enlightenment.10
- Jesus was a carpenter at a time that Israel was occupied and dominated by the Roman Empire. Some scholars say he became a disciple of the prophet John the Baptist. John preached a baptism of repentance; teaching that God would free a repentant Israel from Rome. Jesus went to be baptized by John where he had an epiphany. He left his home and began preaching and teaching about the Realm of God.
- Martin Luther King, Jr. was a preacher and civil rights leader in the segregated south during a period of great unrest. Dr. King was essentially called forth by circumstances to lead the movement.11
- Hildegard of Bingen (a German writer, composer, philosopher, Christian mystic, and medical herbalist) was also called forth by circumstances. She had visions beginning when she was a little girl. Either because of her visions or for political reasons, her parents offered her as an oblate to a monastery. She eventually became a prioress of her own monastery and through her writings and letters affected the whole of the Roman Catholic church.12
I'm sure you can identify the dynamics
that led your heroines/heroes to move forward living into their own
deep personhood. But the more important question is, “What is the
dynamic in your life that is stirring or has stirred you to be more
than you think you are?” “What is drawing you or has drawn you
forward into the risky business of living into your own destiny?”
In my case, it was the frustration I
encountered while earning my degree in physics. I wasn't happy
working by myself in a lab. I wanted to work with people to improve
the world, but I didn't know what that meant. The inner voices from
my past said I should become a minister. This didn't interest me.
Finally, I struck out on my own. I explained my interests to people
and got advice.
I then received a call from a man who
invited me to attend a training seminar for people making radical
career transitions. This event was scheduled in Washington, DC, the
weekend following a conference I was attending in New York City. He
said I could pay for the seminar after I had made the career
transition. With this assurance, Jean and I set out for the big
world of New York and Washington, DC, leaving our one and two year
old children with our parents.
As they say, “The rest is history.” I
embarked on a two year adventure interviewing people in Madison,
Chicago and Milwaukee. I finally became the first director of
Madison Urban Ministry, where I served for twenty-five years. In
this transition, I experienced an energy that gave me new life and
vitality. I began to relate to my authentic self.
Some would say that I encountered God,
Yahweh or Allah in this experience, or that I had moved toward
greater enlightenment. I just call it mystery. Yes, I come from a
Christian tradition, so I do look to Jesus and the heroes/heroines of
the Hebrew Scriptures as models for engaging this reality. But for
me, mystery describes it best. Because of my physics training, the
image that is most powerful is that of the expanding and evolving
energy in the cosmos resulting from the big bang. This, of course,
is an image not an explanation. When one deals in these matters,
rationality doesn't cut it. It's more about art, music and poetry.
If you would like to share how you have
moved toward your authentic self, I would be most interested in
hearing from you. You can comment at the end of this blog, on
Facebook at “Charles Pfeifer” or “Living With Soul”
In my next reflection, I will explore the
challenges in the journey toward authenticity. In future reflections
I will also explore the role of synchronicity. Thank you for joining
me on this journey.
- See Exodus 9:1
- See Luke 17:33 New English Translation
