Sadness

Yesterday I walked the grounds at Holy Wisdom Monastery. It was cold as I followed a trail through a stand of Oak on top of a small hill. Since we've had no snow, the dark branches of the trees stood out in sharp contrast to the carpet of brown leaves on the ground and the wheat colored grasses of the prairie beyond.

I followed the trail through the trees and down toward Lost Lake. Tall stalks of frozen prairie flowers bordered the lake, standing in mute reminder of their former summer beauty. I noticed the partly frozen lake as I circled it and entered an open space with more wheat colored prairie grass.

The property around Holy Wisdom Monastery is a kind of nature preserve. I have seen wild turkeys running through the trees and even a deer or two. This day I came upon a fluffy raccoon walking on the ice of the partially frozen lake. He seemed not to notice me as he carefully placed one paw in front of the other. His flanks heaved as if he was having trouble breathing. It seemed to take all of his concentration to navigate the ice.

I paused, concerned for his safety, and then moved on.

I thought about that little animal today. Again I was walking the trail. Again it was bitterly cold. Again I descended the hill toward Lost Lake. Even from a distance I could see a dark form on the ice sheet. I approached, fearing what I knew awaited me. There on the ice, near where I had left him yesterday, lay the body of this little creature. He was still fluffy. His head rested on the ice as if he were asleep. His ringed tail stretched out behind him.

My eyes glistened with tears as I honored the life of this little creature.

Ray Charles said, “Soul is like electricity – we don't really know what it is, but it's a force that can light up a room.” Soul is also a force that allows us to grieve for what was and is no more.

Am I more than I think I am?

Welcome to my blog called Living With Soul.

I have spent much of my life seeking to be more than I think I am. When I was younger, I felt I had to excel to be acceptable to myself. As I aged, this drive to be exceptional shifted. I wanted to make the world a better place, particularly for those who were damaged by cultural attitudes and structures. Since I was raised in a religious family, these yearnings were strongly affected by my Lutheran upbringing. I saw myself as striving to please God. My question, “Am I more than I think I am,” was really the question, “What can I do to raise myself from my imperfect state?” “How can I measure up to the heavy demands of God to live like Jesus lived?”

In later years, pleasing God did not fill the bill. In fact, my whole image of God sort of evaporated. Yet the life and teachings of Jesus continued to motivate me. Somehow this man was in touch with a spark of life that I found very attractive. I yearned to live my life with the courage and abandon that I saw in him. I wanted to live out my potential as completely as possible. The question, “Am I more than I think I am,” had changed. It became, “How can I grow into my Charles Pfeifer potential?” I no longer yearned to be like Jesus or Gandhi or Martin Luther King Jr. I wanted grow into the real Charles Pfeifer.

Here is where “living with soul” comes in. Ray Charles, credited with the musical sound we call soul, once said, “Soul is like electricity – we don't really know what it is, but it's a force that can light up a room.” Geoffrey Fisher, Archbishop of Canterbury (1945-61) said, “Until you know that life is interesting – and find it so - you haven't found your soul.”

I want to engage the source of this electricity?  I want to experience life as so interesting that I just have to live it. Looking at it this way, the question, “Am I more than I think I am?” becomes, “Is my potential as a human being more than I had ever imagined?” If this is so, life is not primarily about achieving. Life is about engaging soul.

This is what I want to explore in this blog site. I invite you to join me.