I GOTTA BE ME PART 2 - CHALLENGES

I remember my decision to leave physics. I used to think I left because I wasn't capable. This was a destructive childhood tape. (My father died in an automobile accident when I was 4 years old. I was told and expected to be the “man of the family” - a devastating thing to hear; an expectation no little child could ever fulfill.) The truth was, I had no energy for physics. It was tedious. I wanted out. Coupled with this push there was also a pull. I yearned to work with and for oppressed people. Both the push and the pull were vague feelings. I was discontented and antsy. I asked God for assurance. “Please show me some direction in this.” Nothing happened.

Finally, I decided I had to move into this scary transition. We had two little children, and Jean was not then employed outside the home. We were living on income from my post doctoral fellowship at UW, Madison. Then I received a call from John Mulholland, inviting me to attend his seminar for people making radical career transitions. Fortified by this training, I moved forward. When the physics professor for whom I worked discovered my intentions, he decided not to renew my fellowship. Our savings would support us for two months.

In spite of those potential stumbling blocks, I was energized. Secure in an idealistic belief or plain foolhardiness, I continued on. Just before my fellowship expired, a friend at the university employed me part time for three months. He said, “I'm not going to let you starve.”

For nearly two years, I interviewed four people a week in Madison, Milwaukee and Chicago. It was an incredible experience. I met dynamic folk and developed a network of contacts. I gained a new self-confidence and a clearer idea of what I was trying to accomplish.

I called this an existential leap of faith but didn't even know what that meant. I see now that faith is not a matter of belief but a matter of trust, tempered by a good dose of inspiration and determination. Finally, I was offered a job as the first full-time director of the newly founded Madison Urban Ministry (MUM). I had found a path consistent with my deepest self, and I began a career that was energizing and fulfilling.

I wish I could say that we lived happily ever after, but this was not the case. After twenty-five years, I burned out with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, resigned from MUM and went on disability. After a time of convalescence, I embarked on another “career transition.” I became a volunteer Spiritual Guide and seminar leader at Holy Wisdom Monastery. This time there was no well defined “God” to whom I could pray. My God, who previously had evolved from a strict Father figure to a Friend, evaporated into a cloud of unknowing. Then, as now, there is only the yearning that impels me forward.

Being in touch with God or “in the Flow,” doesn't guarantee happiness or satisfaction. The stories of our faith traditions make this abundantly clear. Moses encountered Yahweh in the burning bush.² He and the people of Israel met obstacle after obstacle in the Exodus.

Buddha meditated under the Bohdi tree³ and was tempted by demon images of his past. Evil Spirits brought nightmares.

Jesus was driven by the Spirit into the desert after his baptism epiphany. There he questioned the deepest convictions in his Jewish Psyche.⁴ Many times he was confronted by frustrations and uncertainties. When he prayed in Gethsemane⁵ near the time of his execution I imagine he feared that his whole ministry would end in failure. More poignant yet, he cried in anguish from the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me.”⁶

Mohammad thought he was going insane after his revelation from Allah in the cave.⁷ He was so distraught that he considered suicide. Yet he followed his vision, struggling to unify the squabbling tribes in the Arabian Peninsula.

Dr. King endured trial after trial in the civil rights struggle. He was promoting the failed “Poor Peoples' March” when he was gunned down by an assassin.⁸

Mother Teresa was tormented by doubts about her faith and the existence of God. During the last half of her life, she told others she felt like a hypocrite.⁹

If following the yearnings of our deepest selves results in challenges such as these, why shouldn't we just “go with the crowd?” Why not try to fit in and win the game by the rules of the dominant culture? Why on earth would Jesus say, “Whoever tries to keep his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life will preserve it?”¹⁰ Is there something more important than “making it?” For me, the answer is, “Yes.” If my life has no meaning - if I justify my existence by how I'm perceived by others - if I spend my life just 'putting in my time,' I'm existing in a kind of living death.”

I had a friend, Henry,¹¹ who was gay. He was remarkably talented, but continued to search for the right job or the right partner. He told me once that he and his LGBT friends felt like outcasts, particularly when religious people condemned them. Henry left town, and I lost track of him. Several years later, I asked a friend about him. “Henry died.” I asked, “How?” The friend responded, “Henry was diabetic; and he didn't take care of himself. He stopped taking his medication and ate foods that weren't good for him.” Then he added, “I met Henry's partner at the funeral. He was heartbroken.”

I imagine that Henry found his life intolerable. The negative opinions of others became his self-definition. He felt unworthy and undesirable as a person. His 'living death' became an actual death. What a waste. Henry had so much promise. The prejudice he experienced prevented him from engaging his authentic self.

Life is difficult. It is filled with challenges. Some feel downright evil. It's my experience that God, using traditional language, doesn't save me from challenges. Living in tune with my authentic self may even complicate my life. The journey, then, is not about preserving biological existence. It's about a deeper dimension of living. It's about engaging the energy that animates creation. It's about Living with a capital “L.” It's about living with Soul.

1. See I Gotta Be Me - Part I
2. Moses and the burning bush reference Exodus 3:1-15
3. See the story of Buddha's enlightenment <http://www.waupun.k12.wi.us/Policy/other/dickhut/religions/50%20Story%20of%20Buddha.htm>
4. See Mark 1:12-13 (Matt. 4:1-11; Luke 1-13)
5. See Matthew 26:36-56 (Mark 14:32-42; Luke 22:40-46)
6. See Mark 15:34 Matthew 27:46
7. <http://www.answering-islam.org/Authors/Arlandson/confronting_satan.htm>
8. See <http://www.poorpeoplescampaignppc.org/King-s-Last--March.html>
9. <http://www.foxnews.com/story/2007/08/24/mother-teresa-did-not-feel-christ-presence-for-last-half-her-life-letters/
10. See Luke 17:33 New English Translation
11. Not his real name

I GOTTA BE ME PART I - ENGAGEMENT

Woburn, MA has been our home for nearly two years. When we moved, I told my friends we were starting a new chapter in our lives. Only now, am I beginning to appreciate the implications of that statement. We are closer to our grandchild, his parents and our son; and that is wonderful. Yet I continue to feel out of place and alone.

My dreams reinforce this fact. In one, I'm at a party. People are playing a gambling game that I don't understand. I 'm afraid I'll lose a lot of money. In another, I'm at our church in Madison, but no one acknowledges me. In a third, I'm teaching a college class, but the students ignore me.

I know that others also feel alone. I hear their cries on Facebook. “I got up this morning.” “I'm brushing my teeth.” “I'm having coffee at Starbucks on Main Street.” “Listen to me! I'm here! Pay attention!”

We hustle and bustle, filling our lives with activities. We justify our existence by what we do and how we are perceived. We strive to be recognized, wanting to leave a legacy. Do my family and friends see me as a good parent, grandparent, athlete, fun person? Will my former colleagues remember me when I have changed jobs or retired? Do people respect me? It goes on and on.

I'm beginning to realize that none of this really matters. My life is mine to live. I can't live it for or through others. Worse yet, I don't want to just fill my time with activities, rushing through life without really living it. How can I be my authentic self. How do I engage this deeper part of me?

Pete Seeger just died. He was one of my heroes. He was his own person. He sang for the labor movement in the 1940s and 1950s, for civil rights marches and anti-Vietnam War rallies in the 1960s, and for environmental and antiwar causes in the 1970s and beyond. “We Shall Overcome,” which Mr. Seeger adapted from old spirituals, became a civil rights anthem. He was called a communist and unAmerican. Yet he persevered into his nineties. Through the years, Mr. Seeger remained determinedly optimistic. “The key to the future of the world,” he said in 1994, “is finding the optimistic stories and letting them be known.”¹

Pete Seeger is only one of a multitude of people who lived out their personal destinies. We each have our list of such people. Mine includes the names and quotes below:

• “If you are humble nothing will touch you, neither praise nor disgrace, because you know what you are.” -- Mother Teresa²
• “The God of the Hebrews says, 'Release my people that they may serve me!'” – Moses³
• “When I let go of what I am, I become what I might be.” –- Lao Tzu⁴
• “It's never to late to be what you might have been.” – George Elliot⁴
• “If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you'll lose it; but if you let that life go, you get life on God's terms” – Jesus⁵
• “Nothing is impossible, the word itself says, 'I'm possible!'” – Audrey Hepburn⁴
• “To thrive in life you need three bones. A wishbone. A backbone. And a funny bone.” – Reba McEntire⁴
• “The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” – Buddha⁷
• “I know for sure that what we dwell on is who we become.” – Oprah Winfrey⁴
• “Build your own dreams, or someone else will hire you to build theirs.” – Farrah Gray⁴
• Whatever affects one directly, affects all indirectly. I can never be what I ought to be until you are what you ought to be. This is the interrelated structure of reality.⁶
• “We cannot live in a world that is interpreted for us by others. An interpreted world is not a hope. Part of the terror is to take back our own listening. To use our own voice. To see our own light. - Hildegard von Bingen⁸

When I consider the people whom I know and admire, I am aware of a dynamic in myself that we all share. I put these people on pedestals. I say, “I can't live like that.” In doing this, I hamper the growth of my authentic self. Worse yet, I tend to dogmatize the teachings of those whom I admire. Rather than developing patterns and world views that work best in my life, I bind myself with their set of rules and beliefs. What worked for them, may not work for me. Rather than engaging life a moment at a time, with all the risk that entails, I strive for security. I live as if life were a static thing with right and wrong ways of engaging it. When I live this way, I am tempted to criticize those who do not live by my rules. This dynamic is at the heart of much of the religious and political polarization in our world.

My grandson, Little Gus, wants to copy my patterns or rules of living. He wears his hat outside because I wear mine. When I watch football at his house, he places another chair beside mine so we can both sit in “big boy” chairs. He's fascinated by what I drink at the coffee shop. He peers into my mug to see if I still have coffee. He wants me to hold him at the counter so he can order and pay with my credit card. When I ask him what he wants, he tells Peter, “Boobry muh-hin.” Then I ask him what grandpa wants, and he says, “Coffee.” I'm honored and embarrassed that I am held in such high regard.

Yet I know I'm also affected by the rules and patterns of others. When I was young, I wanted to be a good Christian so I could go to heaven. I tried mightily to obey the moral rules of my community because I was scared that I had unknowingly committed the unforgivable sin³ and would go to hell.

I continued this pattern in grad school. I was so concerned about earning my degree that I focused only on getting passing grades. I wasn't able to enjoy the excitement of exploring the creation. This is probably why I left physics. Physics for me was just a task. There was no excitement or life in it.

Only when I changed careers and began working on social justice issues did I come alive. I was no longer driven by fear of failure or judgment. I took risks. Life became an adventure. I was finally living my life. Now I can I read about the latest discoveries in physics with curiosity, wonder and awe.

How does one engage life with excitement and anticipation rather than fear or boredom? For some, it comes in a flash of inspiration. For others, it develops slowly. But in almost all cases, it begins with a deep concern or restlessness.

• Mother Teresa was serving as a nun in Calcutta, and was gripped by the poverty all around her. She was traveling on a train when she recounts, "I was to leave the convent and work with the poor, living among them. It was an order. I knew where I belonged but I did not know how to get there."⁹
• Siddharta Gautama, a prince, was raised in opulence when he became aware of all the suffering in his kingdom. He left his family and became a monk, nearly starving himself. When meditating under a Bodhi tree he “awakened” and became Buddha, the enlightened one, at which time he embarked on a ministry to lead others to enlightenment.¹⁰
• Jesus was a carpenter at a time that Israel was occupied and dominated by the Roman Empire. Some scholars say he became a disciple of the prophet John the Baptist. John preached a baptism of repentance; teaching that God would free a repentant Israel from Rome. Jesus went to be baptized by John where he had an epiphany. He left his home and began preaching and teaching about the Realm of God.
• Martin Luther King, Jr. was a preacher and civil rights leader in the segregated south during a period of great unrest. Dr. King was essentially called forth by circumstances to lead the movement.¹¹
• Hildegard of Bingen (a German writer, composer, philosopher, Christian mystic, and medical herbalist) was also called forth by circumstances. She had visions beginning when she was a little girl. Either because of her visions or for political reasons, her parents offered her as an oblate to a monastery. She eventually became a prioress of her own monastery and through her writings and letters affected the whole of the Roman Catholic church.¹²

I'm sure you can identify the dynamics that led your heroines/heroes to move forward living into their own deep personhood. But the more important question is, “What is the dynamic in your life that is stirring or has stirred you to be more than you think you are?” “What is drawing you or has drawn you forward into the risky business of living into your own destiny?”

In my case, it was the frustration I encountered while earning my degree in physics. I wasn't happy working by myself in a lab. I wanted to work with people to improve the world, but I didn't know what that meant. The inner voices from my past said I should become a minister. This didn't interest me. Finally, I struck out on my own. I explained my interests to people and got advice.

I then received a call from a man who invited me to attend a training seminar for people making radical career transitions. This event was scheduled in Washington, DC, the weekend following a conference I was attending in New York City. He said I could pay for the seminar after I had made the career transition. With this assurance, Jean and I set out for the big world of New York and Washington, DC, leaving our one and two year old children with our parents.

As they say, “The rest is history.” I embarked on a two year adventure interviewing people in Madison, Chicago and Milwaukee. I finally became the first director of Madison Urban Ministry, where I served for twenty-five years. In this transition, I experienced an energy that gave me new life and vitality. I began to relate to my authentic self.

Some would say that I encountered God, Yahweh or Allah in this experience, or that I had moved toward greater enlightenment. I just call it mystery. Yes, I come from a Christian tradition, so I do look to Jesus and the heroes/heroines of the Hebrew Scriptures as models for engaging this reality. But for me, mystery describes it best. Because of my physics training, the image that is most powerful is that of the expanding and evolving energy in the cosmos resulting from the big bang. This, of course, is an image not an explanation. When one deals in these matters, rationality doesn't cut it. It's more about art, music and poetry.

If you would like to share how you have moved toward your authentic self, I would be most interested in hearing from you. You can comment at the end of this blog, on Facebook at “Charles Pfeifer” or “Living With Soul”

In my next reflection, I will explore the challenges in the journey toward authenticity. In future reflections I will also explore the role of synchronicity. Thank you for joining me on this journey.

1. See article: http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/29/arts/music/pete-seeger-songwriter-and-champion-of-folk-music-dies-at-94.html>
2. <https://www.goodreads.com/author/quotes/838305.Mother_Teresa
3. See Exodus 9:1
4. <http://sourcesofinsight.com/37-inspirational-quotes-that-will-change-your-life/>
5. See Luke 17:33 New English Translation
6. <http://mlkday.gov/plan/library/communications/quotes.php>
7. <http://sourcesofinsight.com/buddha-quotes/>
8. <http://blog.gaiam.com/quotes/authors/hildegard-von-bingen>
9. <http://www.ewtn.com/motherteresa/life.htm>
10. <en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gautama_Buddha#Awakening>
11. See Mark 3:28-29
12. <http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mother_Teresa>